The sound of Joy...

One of the sounds of Joy for me....silence

“Hi Sam, What do you think the sound of Joy is?” I ask the pastry chef cum larrikin I visit every morning for my coffee and who makes amazing sweet and savoury delicacies like cheese, blueberry and caramelised onion tart (seriously yummy) and mini French style sweet tarts like almondine and plum, in his tiny Lane Cove bakery.

He doesn’t hesitate and grins as he makes a “When Harry meets Sally” kind of groan. “Well I am Italian”, he says cheekily, when I roll my eyes.

I’m having a caffeine fix before heading off to a 3 day workshop called Heart of Abundance run by Steve Wells www.eftdownunder.com and Andy Bryce his mate from Vancouver. http://www.simplydivinerelationshiptraining.com/pgs/meet-the-team/andy-bryce/ They work well together, complementing each other and the thirty odd participants (mainly women) are soon eating out of their hands.

We’ve explored the sound and feel of Anger and Grief and we are finally getting to Joy.

Most of the group are already experienced “tappers”, some using energy Psychology practices in their work as well as personal lives, and I am looking forward to sharing with and learning from my colleagues and absorbing as much as I can from the presenters.

It’s great to be back in Sydney, and her magnificent harbour and walks, even when the weather is lousy.  I’ve stayed in leafy Lane Cove for a few days and loved the village feel of it and Crow’s Nest which is just down the road. Now I am in Neutral Bay with friends and am exploring my old haunts and catching up with family and friends.

The walk to Cremorne Point, just on dusk is beautiful. I stop at the point and do my qigong as daylight fades over the bridge and opera house. A ferry of late commuters spills its load onto the jetty and heads back to Circular Quay across the now inky water. Later I catch a ferry from Kurraba point, remembering my early days here, with little money but lots of dreams.

My thoughts are interrupted by two seagulls racing us across the water. I watch the small birds flapping frantically alongside us, then gliding, seeming at times to surf the waves of air made by the ferry cutting its way across the harbour to Circular Quay.

I love this city and have a feeling I’ll be back here one day, or at least nearby, and as my ferry docks, I enjoy the feeling of being here on such a glorious evening.

the view from Cremorne Point walk    

The walk to Central Station is further than I thought, but I am in no rush as I make my way there past early morning office workers.

It’s been a wonderful few days and I am just reliving how wonderful it has been to reconnect with the city and friends who are very dear to me.

I watched the city wake up this morning, sipping my coffee and then doing qigong on the harbourmaster’s stairs on the Rocks side of the Quay, and watch early morning sunlight dance on the water in front of the Opera House, listening to the banter and laughter of council workers having a break and seagulls calling to each other in impatient and persistent tones.

I look up at the Harbour Bridge, and remember the first time I drove across her and my excitement when I climbed up her steely beams and saw the view from the top on my 40^th birthday.

I take it all in as I watch the famous green ferries glide into and park along the piers with ease and grace, just like wide bodied planes parking at their gates and am grateful that I am here.

                   __________________________________________________

The train to Kendall chugs lazily up the Northern Coast, past lush green country and little sea change towns. At one point, we slow to a crawl as the other track is underwater from recent heavy rains.

I am glad I am getting a chance to visit North Haven again, a small seaside town about half and hour south of Port Macquarie where for a while I had plans for my own early sea change.

Ron my old mate, has a heart as big as his frame and it is good to see his generous smile as the train pulls into the station. A keen fisherman and self confessed loner, he retired here years ago and we catch up from time to time as we share a love of seafood and long chats over a glass of good wine.

We drop off my bag and head straight out for a walk and I scan the river looking for dolphins that I know call it home.

My disappointment passes when the pelicans welcome me back, one coming in for a perfect landing on the water in my honour.

The time passes much too quickly and I am back on the train again heading South, with a full belly, and a grateful heart.

The river walk at beautiful North Haven

                   _________________________________________________

Meryl Streep is one of my favourite actors. I watch her amazing performance as Margaret Thatcher, both as the controversial political figure she was and as a person (a young idealistic woman, a daughter, mother and wife.)

Her portrayal of a woman struggling with dementia, was outstanding; sensitive and believable. This is not a movie with a Hollywood ending. It is about life, about the fact that no matter who we are, and what we do, and how different we feel we are from other people, we are human, and our "humanness" means that there are some experiences that we simply cannot avoid.

                   _______________________________________________

Kim McMillen was not ill and did not know she was going to die, but at 52, a few months after finishing a little book that I picked up for $1 at the Kendall community op shop, she died and her book was published posthumously.

After many years filled with self doubt and self criticism, Kim says she became compassionate and kind towards herself. Her book is filled with endings to the sentence

When I loved myself enough…

The following are some of my favourite endings

When I loved myself enough…

-I began to taste freedom

-I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around

-I forgave myself for all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough

-I began listening to the wisdom of my body.

-I stopped trying to banish the critical voices from my head. Now I say Thank you for your views and they feel heard. End of discussion.

- I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits, anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal, Now I see it as self loving.

-I gave up perfectionism, that killer of joy

-I could tell the truth about my gifts and limitations

-I quit answering the telephone when I didn’t want to talk

-I stopped blaming myself for choices I had made –which made me feel safe and I took responsibility for them

-I began to see the abuse in trying to force something or someone who isn’t ready –including me

-I began to accept the unacceptable

-I learned to ask, who in me is feeling this way when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad.

-My heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally

When I loved myself enough ... this feeling is never far away