Back to the "real" world

On the 12^th of March my mid-life “gap” year was officially over.

As I flew back to Perth, I wondered how I would cope, how I would manage the “real” world, and start again, on my own.

I hoped then, and I know now, that my year was such a rich and transforming series of moments and experiences, that it will continue to “feed” me (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) while I start my next adventure and until I take off again for my next “gap” year.

As most of us know, when life does not turn out the way you expected or wanted, or felt you deserved, it can be a traumatic experience, and there is no one-size-fits-all way to cope. There are however, some things that help, that allow you to slowly regain your equilibrium and begin to start living again.

In my case, part of that process was travelling on my own, for a year, armed with my lap top and my new Samsonite light luggage (this girl is no back packer) a “bucket list” of sorts and a goal- to take the opportunity to reflect on what I had learned in life so far. (Hopefully that information will take a literary form eventually, but for now is still floating on the internet as this blog)

I had two immediate goals when I got back, firstly to spend some time with my Dad and help him to get whatever support he needed to remain independent, healthy and happy at home and to find a job that was a “good fit”, (allowed me to contribute, use my skills, continue to learn and grow, paid a fair wage and have work/life balance) and be practical enough to use in the future- perhaps in the humanitarian field.

I have now been back three months, and both those goals have been achieved. I am also back in my little flat in South Perth after a very disappointing, upsetting and expensive lesson about “trust”.

It is a public holiday today, and just as well, as getting back to full time work has been an adjustment. Finding time to shop, pay the bills, read and respond to my emails and do domestics has become my biggest challenge. Gone for the moment are the blissful café breaks of my “previous” life, reading the paper, writing, catching up with friends and being self employed.

Now I am up at about 6.15am most mornings, to pack lunch, try to get in my daily qigong and exercise before heading off to work as a counsellor with an EAP company (an organisation that provides counselling for personal or work issues to the employees of their 4000 odd client organisations including government departments, utilities, mining companies, and a variety of other health, education, logistic and financial institutions).

My colleagues are mainly psychologists (this is an interesting experience in itself) and I deal with a diverse group of clients and issues- last week for example I saw 30 clients for issues ranging from depression, stress, relationship break downs, loss and grief, eating disorders, addictions, parenting issues, abuse, trauma and violence and workplace bullying!

At the heart of most issues, is a sense of “stuckness” and being under resourced. I genuinely love when I am able to make a difference- to remind people of their strengths, to help them regain and refocus their energy and make decisions which are in line with their wellbeing and values.

Life outside of work is full and enjoyable.

I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Salsa dancing is my passion, although I have realised that I am actually not technically that good at it! I have told my ego to take a break and am going back to basics. (I’m told it’s not uncommon but girls who don’t dance well often try to lead, so poor long suffering David was not only dealing with his own left feet all those years ago!) That said, I danced so much last night that my shoes literally fell apart. Now that, to me, is serious fun!

I’m continuing with my Spanish, joined a book club and am exploring Perth’s new “grown up” food, art and café scene. I haven’t formally ventured into dating again, online or otherwise and remain open to possibility (I have realised that I am boringly romantic in some ways) although I think I am probably better suited to sharing my life with a few  friends with benefits rather than a life partner again. I have after all tried it twice without success! A friend of mine thinks marriage should be a 5 year renewable contract, I kind of agree and think the concept should be extended to all relationships!  

An sms has just given me the news that someone I used to be close to has terminal cancer. We have been estranged for some time, partly because I could see this day coming and I felt powerless to stop it. How arrogant of me! If I’ve learned one thing through my own experiences it’s that we all have our own journey and lessons to learn.

What I know for sure is that I don’t want to swap lives with anyone, or be 20 again or change anything (other than take back anything that I have said, done, felt or thought that was hurtful or damaging to others or to myself).

In the last few years, I have been exploring and studying all aspects of wellbeing and have been influenced and inspired by the shift I am seeing towards integrating rather than separating. Science and the humanities are becoming friends and in doing so, they give us tangible proof that anything is possible.

There is now no argument that we are “energy beings” (This intangible, but palpable energy is measured daily with every ECG, EEG and various other medical machinery) and we are part of nature. Like all energy therefore, we cannot be destroyed and as part of nature we are programmed for change, evolution and transformation.

I believe we are all potentially masterpieces in progress, and am beginning to see and feel and truly value the unique qualities and beauty in myself.

Most mornings I go down to the river for a walk and to do my qigong. It too has been a process of evolving and transforming and I have developed my own routine, a synthesis of styles, movement, meditation and affirmation. It is a ritual that is grounding, life affirming, centring and fun. I watch the day wake up and with it my own energy and gratitude is renewed. It ends with the following words

I am seeing more clearly, I am hearing more clearly, I am speaking my truth gently and authentically, I am noticing, acknowledging and honouring all of my feelings

I am using my hand, head and heart, with ease and grace, flow and fun, love and gratitude…and with these words and energy, I begin my day.

Wishing each and every one of you, what you most want and need for yourselves.

I am grateful and blessed to have you in my life.

Here are a few photos of my river, and city.

Love

my favourite qigong spot

another qigong spot

this fellow has kept me company a few times

my city at night

a rainbow of possibility

with each sunrise

nnew day

and new sunset 

view from my balcony

Mon x

Even a great banquet has to end sometimes....

some of my favourite art work and ads...Mexico 

Kurt Cobain in Venice

graffiti Guatemala City

street art...Doha

...Barcelona

street art..Xela

My mid life gap year is nearly over.

On the 12^th of March, I will have been travelling a whole year.

It has been an amazing series of stand alone experiences, that together have created a journey that has inspired, delighted, surprised, taught, relaxed, stretched, fed, excited, energised, uplifted, healed, opened, challenged, protected, confronted, reminded, shown, absorbed, connected, aligned, balanced, released and transformed me.

I am not quite the same person who set off all those months ago. I have gained some things, and let go of others and feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my own shoes.

I am less afraid and more open and I know that there is a lot that I don’t know, and a few things that I do.

Part of the reason I took this “sabbatical” was to reflect on what I had learned so far in life, especially given that statistically I have passed the half way mark and technically I should therefore be becoming a bit wiser!

So I am still not sure what shape it will ultimately take, but I’d like to transform the information in this blog and the learning and experiences I have had into something else, lasting and valuable.

   

I am immensely grateful for the opportunity I have had to travel the world this last year. My life is much richer and more meaningful as a result. I am grateful to all the people who supported me directly and indirectly along the way. 

Some put me up, for days and even weeks, others fed me, transported me, or met me and shared some of this journey with me. Some stayed in touch-you know who you are-those phone calls, messages, emails and comments on or about the blog meant the world to me. 

So to…

Calogero, Pina, Mariella, Nuccio, Adilgisa , Zia and Mamma e Cettina in Capo D’Orlando, Sicily

Nino and Michele in Sorrento

Patrizia and Lidia in Rome

Andrea and Anjelica in Cyprus

Alice and Mike in Switzerland

Rina and Gianni and their gorgeous boys and families, Giuli, Elena, Mirella, Anna, Giacomo, Thelma, Elena G’s Mum in Fiorano

Inge, Malcolm, Chris and Naomi in Paris

Gustavo, Alain, Elizabetta and Luis in Havana

Ronnaldo and Hugo, Yuly and all the staff at the Red Cross, Chiqui, Kaz, Sarah and my other dancing and mates in Guatemala

Rusty in Antigua

Richard in San Francisco

Obad and Khalid and their families in Cairo

Manal and her family in Jordan

Hazem in Doha

Hila in Nijemen

Adam in Horni Jeleni, in the Czech Republic

Helena in Florence

Steve, Dave and Anna in Venice

Zuzana in Prague

Tammy and Gordon in London

Ariadne’s Mum in Athens

Giuseppe and Emilia and their family, Saverio and Pina and their family, Peppe Romeo, Piero and Franca in Siderno

Tina, Paul and Grace, Carol and Andrew, Daffie, Catherine, Linda and especially John, Leonie and Ella in Hong Kong

Vivienne and Hugh on Holland America and in Sydney

Cheryl and her family in Cairns

Luke and Elena in Fiorano, Florence and Sydney (they get around!)

Liz in Hobart
Ron in North Haven
Bev and Joe in Kiama
Kez in Austinmer
and Inge when I see you in Darwin

And those of you who have been with me in spirit and in friendship all this time…

Thank you for your love and support

I’m often asked what was my favourite experience or place. As each place and experience was so different, it is difficult to compare, but there were certainly some stand out highlights;

The music and energy of Havana

The stunning ancient site of Petra, in Jordan by day and night, of Tikal in Guatemala and Teotihuacan outside Mexico City

The colours and danger of Guatemala

Climbing a volcano in Antigua

The cave accommodation, hiking and hot air balloon ride of Goreme

The weekend in Florence

The exhilaration of hiking the Amalfi Coast on my own

The flavours and hospitality of Sicily, Siderno and Fiorano

The unexpected beauty of the Cornish coast

Picturesque Prague 

The vibe of San Francisco

My weirdest experience was going to the Unsicht restaurant in Berlin

Most cultural was going to the Opera in Venice

Most relaxing was the Mediterannean cruise

Most exciting was finding Manal’s brother in Florence

Most rewarding was teaching meditation to a Red Cross Psychologist in Spanish in Guatemala!

Most uplifting was the hot air balloon ride in central Anatolia

Scariest was the long bus ride from Guatemala through Mexico, being in the middle of a demonstration in Ramallah and feeling the gun in the guy’s pocket in Antigua!

Most memorable was dancing and learning Spanish in Havana

And my proudest moment was saying a proper goodbye to my life in Hong Kong, accepting what is and embracing the future.

I’d like to leave you with a few of my favourite photos…

Mont Saint-Michel, France

Meteora, Greece

Amsterdam Train Station

Lantau Island, Hong Kong

Goreme, Turkey

Florence, Italy

Aphrodite's birthplace, Cyprus

Jerash, Jordan

Petra, Jordan

Havana, Cuba

Amalfi Coast, Italy

Barcelona, Spain

Frida Kahlo, a tragic story of a talented woman, Mexico

Teotihuacan, Mexico

Lago de Aitlan, Guatemala

The colours of Guatemala

Love this smile

multi-tasking 

Antigua, Guatemala

Cefalu, Italy

Ragusa Ibla, Italy

Capo D'Orlando, Italy

And I wish you your own opportunity to travel within and outside of yourself to discover the beauty and brilliance that you are a part of, and are.


Mon x 

Northhaven, Australia

The sound of Joy...

One of the sounds of Joy for me....silence

“Hi Sam, What do you think the sound of Joy is?” I ask the pastry chef cum larrikin I visit every morning for my coffee and who makes amazing sweet and savoury delicacies like cheese, blueberry and caramelised onion tart (seriously yummy) and mini French style sweet tarts like almondine and plum, in his tiny Lane Cove bakery.

He doesn’t hesitate and grins as he makes a “When Harry meets Sally” kind of groan. “Well I am Italian”, he says cheekily, when I roll my eyes.

I’m having a caffeine fix before heading off to a 3 day workshop called Heart of Abundance run by Steve Wells www.eftdownunder.com and Andy Bryce his mate from Vancouver. http://www.simplydivinerelationshiptraining.com/pgs/meet-the-team/andy-bryce/ They work well together, complementing each other and the thirty odd participants (mainly women) are soon eating out of their hands.

We’ve explored the sound and feel of Anger and Grief and we are finally getting to Joy.

Most of the group are already experienced “tappers”, some using energy Psychology practices in their work as well as personal lives, and I am looking forward to sharing with and learning from my colleagues and absorbing as much as I can from the presenters.

It’s great to be back in Sydney, and her magnificent harbour and walks, even when the weather is lousy.  I’ve stayed in leafy Lane Cove for a few days and loved the village feel of it and Crow’s Nest which is just down the road. Now I am in Neutral Bay with friends and am exploring my old haunts and catching up with family and friends.

The walk to Cremorne Point, just on dusk is beautiful. I stop at the point and do my qigong as daylight fades over the bridge and opera house. A ferry of late commuters spills its load onto the jetty and heads back to Circular Quay across the now inky water. Later I catch a ferry from Kurraba point, remembering my early days here, with little money but lots of dreams.

My thoughts are interrupted by two seagulls racing us across the water. I watch the small birds flapping frantically alongside us, then gliding, seeming at times to surf the waves of air made by the ferry cutting its way across the harbour to Circular Quay.

I love this city and have a feeling I’ll be back here one day, or at least nearby, and as my ferry docks, I enjoy the feeling of being here on such a glorious evening.

the view from Cremorne Point walk    

The walk to Central Station is further than I thought, but I am in no rush as I make my way there past early morning office workers.

It’s been a wonderful few days and I am just reliving how wonderful it has been to reconnect with the city and friends who are very dear to me.

I watched the city wake up this morning, sipping my coffee and then doing qigong on the harbourmaster’s stairs on the Rocks side of the Quay, and watch early morning sunlight dance on the water in front of the Opera House, listening to the banter and laughter of council workers having a break and seagulls calling to each other in impatient and persistent tones.

I look up at the Harbour Bridge, and remember the first time I drove across her and my excitement when I climbed up her steely beams and saw the view from the top on my 40^th birthday.

I take it all in as I watch the famous green ferries glide into and park along the piers with ease and grace, just like wide bodied planes parking at their gates and am grateful that I am here.

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The train to Kendall chugs lazily up the Northern Coast, past lush green country and little sea change towns. At one point, we slow to a crawl as the other track is underwater from recent heavy rains.

I am glad I am getting a chance to visit North Haven again, a small seaside town about half and hour south of Port Macquarie where for a while I had plans for my own early sea change.

Ron my old mate, has a heart as big as his frame and it is good to see his generous smile as the train pulls into the station. A keen fisherman and self confessed loner, he retired here years ago and we catch up from time to time as we share a love of seafood and long chats over a glass of good wine.

We drop off my bag and head straight out for a walk and I scan the river looking for dolphins that I know call it home.

My disappointment passes when the pelicans welcome me back, one coming in for a perfect landing on the water in my honour.

The time passes much too quickly and I am back on the train again heading South, with a full belly, and a grateful heart.

The river walk at beautiful North Haven

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Meryl Streep is one of my favourite actors. I watch her amazing performance as Margaret Thatcher, both as the controversial political figure she was and as a person (a young idealistic woman, a daughter, mother and wife.)

Her portrayal of a woman struggling with dementia, was outstanding; sensitive and believable. This is not a movie with a Hollywood ending. It is about life, about the fact that no matter who we are, and what we do, and how different we feel we are from other people, we are human, and our "humanness" means that there are some experiences that we simply cannot avoid.

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Kim McMillen was not ill and did not know she was going to die, but at 52, a few months after finishing a little book that I picked up for $1 at the Kendall community op shop, she died and her book was published posthumously.

After many years filled with self doubt and self criticism, Kim says she became compassionate and kind towards herself. Her book is filled with endings to the sentence

When I loved myself enough…

The following are some of my favourite endings

When I loved myself enough…

-I began to taste freedom

-I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around

-I forgave myself for all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough

-I began listening to the wisdom of my body.

-I stopped trying to banish the critical voices from my head. Now I say Thank you for your views and they feel heard. End of discussion.

- I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits, anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal, Now I see it as self loving.

-I gave up perfectionism, that killer of joy

-I could tell the truth about my gifts and limitations

-I quit answering the telephone when I didn’t want to talk

-I stopped blaming myself for choices I had made –which made me feel safe and I took responsibility for them

-I began to see the abuse in trying to force something or someone who isn’t ready –including me

-I began to accept the unacceptable

-I learned to ask, who in me is feeling this way when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad.

-My heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally

When I loved myself enough ... this feeling is never far away

a place on the water...albeit borrowed

morning walk along Lauderdale Bay 

Tasmania is great for walking

"old stuff" is valued here

view from my borrowed place on the water

which I have all to myself

except for a few friendly locals

it's hard to move from here

but eventually I go off exploring

and meet some more locals

and eat some amazing local produce

and look at old buildings

in a number of cute old towns

like the town of murals

and one that is "tidy"

it's great driving weather

I've arrived at Stanley

and decide to stay overnight in this cute b and b overlooking the water

it's great for walking

so I check out the "nut"

and the historic cottages

and wake up to a glorious sunrise

before heading back for Hobart's Salamanca markets 

It was just a taste...but Tasmania has lots to come back for

The first “boyfriend” I ever had was my cousin David.

When we were little we used to hang out at my grandparents’ house and play for hours. I was a tomboy then, and very competitive, climbing trees and shooting arrows. Years later David showed me the scar on his shoulder that he still carried from one of my attacks.

Liz was another cousin I was close to, with a similar spirit and love of adventure. David’s Dad and Liz’s Dad were twin brothers. Both uncles died young, leaving behind wives and small children, the tragedy of their early deaths haunting the whole family for years and sadly for reasons I still don’t fully understand, our families became estranged from that time on and we cousins didn’t play together anymore.

David moved away when his Mum remarried and didn’t want to stay in touch, (a rejection I still find painful given how close we used to be) but Liz and I stayed connected, coming together from time to time, when life permitted, or at family funerals, bound by kinship and a shared “black sheep of the family” label, that we both rejected and embraced in equal measure.

For some years she has been living in Tasmania, a place I have never visited, but is on my “list”. She invites me to stay and when she tells me she is right on the water, I need no second invitation.

I am thinking about the past and the family secrets of my childhood when the 737 is on final approach into Hobart airport, coming in across the water. The plane is being buffeted by strong winds and when the wings dip I can see the angry water below. When the plane hits the runway at speed and finally comes to a stop, I realise I have been holding my breath.

Liz is someone you notice. She has a big presence and a big heart. As we drive towards Hobart and start to talk, the years disappear. It is good to have someone who has witnessed who you were and have become.

Her place “on the water” is a dream come true. I can hear the waves, look out across the water to a darkening sky and smell the seaweed knowing that with a few short steps I am on a pristine sandy beach.

I settle in on my own, on her comfortable bright red lounge with a book and listen to the storm percolating outside and when I wake the next morning, for the first time in years I know that I have been dreaming.

Tasmania is full of surprises.

It is much bigger and more diverse than I expected. You need to allow longer for driving than the estimated times, as much because the roads wind and curve over and around mountains, and through undulating valleys, as that there are so many interesting places to stop along the way and the drives are so scenic and picturesque that you want to take your time to appreciate the changing views.

I spend a few days exploring the heart shaped isle, travelling up the East coast to St Helen’s, across to beautiful Stanley (my favourite place, with its historic cottages and sweeping water views from its windswept “nut”) and then through the North West forests south to Strahan before driving through the famous Franklin-Gordon region back to Hobart.

I try some local produce along the way; a mellow pinot noir, double cream cheeses, pasties with organic ingredients made from decades old secret recipes, plump berries and the best freshly shucked oysters (a dozen at St Helen’s and another at Barilla Bay).

Back in Hobart, the famous Saturday Salamanca market in Hobart is a bit “ho hum”. Perhaps I have been spoiled with all my travels overseas, but the best bit is breakfast, a good coffee and reading the Weekend Australian from cover to cover while tourists and locals mingle in the colourful stalls and a scruffy bagpipe player busks outside.

I know there is so much more to see; Bruny island and the Huonville area, historic and tragic Port Arthur and the miles and miles of walking trails through its vast National parks, but somehow I am all travelled out. I decide to spend my last few days listening to the waves at Lauderdale, soaking up the energy and colours and sounds and feel of this idyllic place before heading back to Sydney.    

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