Every ending is a new beginning...

Machu picchu with Waynu Picchu in the background

the view from Waynu pichu!

on the train to capo D'orlando, passing Cefalu' on of the many beautiful seaside towns

view of capo D'orlando from Santuario

ruins of 13th century castle with 1600 Santuario in background

17^th March 2011

Life is full of opportunities.

You have to be on the look out for them, because sometimes they are hard to see. They can show up unexpectedly, even in the midst of the deepest despair.

Two years ago on my 50^th birthday, I was in Peru. For years I had dreamed about visiting the ruins at Machu Picchu, the lost city of the Inca’s and that morning just as I had envisioned earlier, I was there. I remember feeling a wave of gratitude. I was with my best friend, in a place I had always dreamed of being, I was healthy and happy and I was looking forward to a future filled with love and travel, continued good health and adventures.

The climb to the top of the hill overlooking the ruins was steep, but I was so excited that I barely noticed. The view from the top was spectacular and even better than I had imagined. All of a sudden I understood why people climb mountains. It is not just about the view. It is about perspective. It is only from the top, that you can see the big picture.

Two months later my best friend was gone, my Mum was dying and menopause started messing with my mind and body. Outwardly I coped. Internally it was very messy. One day I started crying and a well of sadness emptied. It took a while and it felt like climbing many mountains. It was not in any way exhilarating, nor joyous and there were countless moments of darkness and self doubt. 

This morning I got up early and walked along the beach and then climbed a steep hill to the ruins of a 13^th Century castle and an almost abandoned “Santuario” to the Virgin Mary overlooking the seaside town of Capo D’Orlando in Sicily.

The sunlight danced across the water and the view to the Aeolian Islands was breathtaking. Below me the town was still asleep and I chose a spot framed by cactus plants where I could see across the rooftops and all the way along the coast to Palermo to do my qigong and meditate.

As I breathed in the energy and beauty of what I was experiencing, I was grateful and happy and I remembered Machu Picchu.

I knew that for me to be happy now, everything that had happened to date needed to have happened exactly the way it did, including ALL THE MOMENTS OF SELF DOUBT AND DESPAIR. 

There is something about having a birds’ eye view that is exhilarating.

You can climb up to the same place each day and look at the view, and each day, it would be a different experience.

It is now 5pm and the sun is slipping away. I am sitting in my b & b looking out into a garden just starting to shake off the colourless energy of winter, a bit like me.

It is time to reflect, to look back and to see what I have learned. 

Which brings me to my mid life gap year.

  

During the last two years there were moments when I wanted to run away.  The feelings of loss were so painful that I was scared I would be immobilised by them.  Intuitively though, I knew that before I could “move on” (as many people gently and less gently pointed out that I should be doing) I would need to “move through”.

My sense was that I would need to acknowledge and make space for my feelings, and that to regain equilibrium I would need to accept what I could not control. In other words, I knew that I would need to be “present” to and accept everything that I was experiencing, rather than avoiding it.  

So in spite of my fears, I was “present” and I found that by acknowledging and making room for my feelings, they did not overwhelm and disempower me. On the contrary, by giving my feelings a voice, they eventually became less intense.    

I would like to tell you that it was easy, or that there is one way to get through tough times, but it wasn’t, and there isn’t.

We are all very different and what works for one person may not for someone else.

That said, a few things really made a difference and I would like to share those with you. I have often been challenged, inspired and helped by something I have read or heard and I offer this information in the hope that it may be helpful to someone else.

Some time ago I made a decision to take a “mid life gap year”. 

The more I thought about it the more excited I became. It would be a way to reflect on and put into practice what I have learned to date from reading, the people I have met and the experiences I have had in my personal and professional life. It would also be an opportunity to test and record the distilled wisdom that I have collected along the way.

I did not want to embark on this journey until I had regained my equilibrium. This was not about “finding myself” or “searching for answers” I did not want to be running away from or running towards anything. I wanted in essence to embark on this journey, only when I had already arrived. When I was already where I wanted to be.

It would be a kind of sabbatical, and involve travelling, writing, studying and working. I wanted few fixed plans but had a long wish-list of possibilities.

I also want to share this experience with as many of you as are interested. (There are at least a couple of you who have asked me to let you know where I am, and what I am seeing, doing, eating, feeling and experiencing!) Not everyone has the ability or wish to go gallivanting on their own seeking adventures but some of you at least may be interested in what to do or see in certain places and who knows you may even be inspired to go there one day!

So here it goes…Let the mid life gap year begin! 

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a Ride!” anon