About Loss...

the night is coming

the day is arriving

the island of Salina

Salina, Vulcano and Lipari

My morning greeting...!

Can you see the disappearing island?

A week ago, I started to write this, but I didn’t post it as I thought it might be too “heavy” for people wanting to read my travel blog. However, this blog is about more than my travels. It is about sharing what I have learned, and continue to learn as I navigate this amazing journey called life, so I include it…because loss is as much a part of life as joy and I have had lots of both so far.

I dedicate this post to the friend who has found out her mother has inoperable cancer, to the woman who is struggling with her daughter’s eating disorder, to the refugees on nearby Lampedusa, to the man with Parkinson’s who is slowly losing his mobility, to the woman who experiences life as an ongoing battle and to everyone who has and will share this human experience of loss with me.

Loss should be tasted slowly, a small bit at a time; neither savoured nor spat out but approached with gentleness and curiosity and allowed to make its presence felt.  Do not throw yourself into it, nor avoid it, allow its reality to sink in from a distance at first, then slowly let its energy wash over you, a little at a time, let its pain lap at the edges of your consciousness, knowing that the storm’s energy and the healing rain is within. Acknowledge and respect the loss, for it is a reminder of the depth of your emotions and the connection you feel to that which you have lost. Do all this and acceptance is a possibility, eventually.

Every loss is unique of course, but everyone who loses something or someone precious to them feels a similar state of disconnection and disequilibrium for a time at least. In 2 days it will be 17 years since the death of my brother Paul. There are moments still, when a memory sets off a series of emotional reactions that bring me to a lonely place, but mostly I am grateful for his presence in my life. I remember when the grief was still raw and a work colleague heard about his death. “I know how you feel” she said “my cat died a few months ago”. I wanted to smack her and tell her it was not the same, but her world had changed irrevocably and her experience of loss was real.

“Loss” is a strange word to use for the trauma of death and other endings. It implies you casually misplaced something. “Oh I lost my keys again” but its experience can be profoundly debilitating and it can feel more like something was stolen from you. In your mind and in your waking and sleeping dreams you replay the situation rewriting each event leading up to it, trying to find a way to have a different outcome, but of course reality persists.

“Time heals everything” they say ...it doesn’t. Time is not enough. Healing is an active process. It involves acknowledgment of the loss, giving it space and the opportunity to be felt and heard IN SAFETY (to avoid being re-traumatised) and slowly integrating the loss into your life. You cannot “get over it” until you “move through” it, safely and always with an energy of compassion and kindness. At a time when you least want to take care of yourself, you must, or allow others to do it for you for a while. Finding ways to feel good, to self soothe, even for a minute at a time, is the first step towards healing and recovery.

   

Babette Rothschild, a trauma specialist has a wonderful metaphor for dealing with trauma safely (most loss is a kind of emotional trauma after all). Imagine a bottle of coca cola, now imagine shaking that bottle vigorously. That’s that kind of energy that trauma creates in your body, mind and spirit, and the fear you have is of what will happen if you unscrew the cap...

You can’t imagine how you will cope if all that pent up energy is released at once, and maybe you feel it will be too much to bear…

Now imagine you have the lid firmly in your grasp; the rate of the unscrewing of the lid is under your control. Imagine twisting the lid ever so slightly….and hearing the hiss as a small amount of pressure is released…now imagine doing it again…when you are ready…and continuing …releasing all the pressure from the bottle, a bit at a time…

How will you feel? And how would it differ from not opening the coke bottle at all or opening it up al at once. Dealing with any loss or trauma in a way that is not re-traumatising and allows healing involves this kind of emotional stretching….

Imagine you have suffered the death of a loved one or the break up of a significant relationship. What practical steps could you take to resolve this loss?

Sandy McGregor was a graduate of Duntroon Military College and the recipient of a military cross for valour. In 1987 his teenage daughters were senselessly gunned down in their Sydney home. He was asked what had made him better able to deal with the loss of his daughters.

“First of all, learning about the power of the mind, secondly, learning about the power of meditation and thirdly, learning about the power of unconditional love and forgiveness’

It is hard to believe that a man of his background could react with such equanimity. Yet Sandy now travels the country teaching people how to cope with traumatic loss. He suggests that just as the mind can replay painful memories and stimulate negative and unhelpful thoughts, so too can it be used to create a “peaceful place’” a state of calm and equilibrium that is soothing and healing. Sandy has helped countless people come to terms with significant loss. His credibility rests not just on the fact that he has personal experience, but that his methods work and are validated by research.

Sandy and other trauma experts contend that simple self soothing practices can be very helpful when you are dealing with a significant loss.

Below are some suggestions that may be helpful

1. Talk to someone who you know will listen and validate your loss

-avoid people who compare your loss to theirs, tell you to be strong, that you need to move on with your life or “get over it” or otherwise give you unwanted advice

2.       Be kind to yourself, especially in the early stages. Do simple things that are soothing. Have a hot shower, walk in nature, listen to music or read something inspiring. Surround yourself with people in whose company you feel comfortable and safe.

3.       Go where your love is, do things that nurture your soul

-write, play an instrument, paint, garden, cook, exercise or do anything else that absorbs you senses and is pleasurable

4        Accept what you are not in control of

- focus instead on what is in your control –pursue your need for information, support, advice as you see fit. Make your wellbeing your priority 

5        Be aware that a range of emotions may surface. Expect, acknowledge and

make space for them

–remember that none are good or bad-including anger or guilt. Look for opportunities to safely express whatever you are feeling, seeking support or help if you feel “stuck”

 

6        Be aware of your usual coping mechanisms and of the danger of trying to medicate or avoid feeling the loss except as a short term temporary solution

-grief is not an illness, but a natural human emotion and reaction to loss that we will all experience at some point in our lives.

7        Recognise and prepare for difficult times

-anniversaries, birthdays and other significant dates/times –weekends, nights may be more difficult that other times reach out to the people who you love and love you and ask for the help that you need

8        Although it may not feel it, remember that you are more than your loss. You are still a (mother, father, aunt, friend, sister, brother, neighbour, work colleague) allow the love and support of others to touch you

9        Give yourself time (and spend some time on your own)

-there is no timetable for grief. Accept that it will take whatever time it takes. Avoid making important decisions until you have regained a sense of equilibrium and feel like showing up for life again. Decision making will be affected while you are experiencing intense emotional disequilibrium.

10      Know how your brain works*

-We sometimes try to solve an emotional problem with our “thinking” brain, but in fact it is not a ”thinking” problem but a “feeling” problem. If we use the wrong brain it will be ineffective and frustrating.

Telling yourself you “should” be coping better or trying to logically deal with the situation you are in will probably not help. When you experience a deep loss, your body goes into a kind of survival mode, a heightened state of arousal and sensitivity which may be exacerbated as memories of other losses are triggered as well. At this time, the “thinking brain” shuts down as all the body’s systems are geared towards flight, flight, freeze or feigning death, the range of responses available to us when our body, mind and spirit feels under such great threat. It is a time to be kind to yourself, not make big decisions and surround yourself with as much love and positive energy as you can. 

11      Stretch

-occasionally say “yes”, even though you don’t feel like it-accept any invitations that provide an opportunity to safely reconnect or re-engage in life. Enjoying life again does not mean you have forgotten or are over the loss, but just that you want to keep living. Feeling good again may not seem feasible, but allow for the possibility that sometime in the future you will feel differently.

12      Focus on what you want

-put your attention and energy on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Your mind wants to be helpful but has difficulty dealing with negatives. “I don’t want to feel sad, is harder for your mind to act on than “I want to feel happy” 

13      To feel differently you must do something differently (Action first- feelings follow)

-Any state, positive or negative involves a complex interaction of thoughts, feelings and actions. Simple conscious actions, like deliberately smiling, changing your posture, going for a walk, or doing something for someone else can all alter your feeling state.

14      Know and use your strengths.

When you suffer a significant loss you sometimes forget all the things you are good at. The situation may feel so overwhelming that you don’t utilise your usual coping mechanisms. As I said before, you are more than your loss. You may have a life threatening illness, your partner may have died or left you, you may have lost your job or someone you know has been in a serious accident but you are still “YOU”.

What are your strengths? If you can’t remember or don’t know them, ask a friend who knows you well or go to www.viacharacter.org register and do the free online survey devised by Psychologists Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson.

How can you use your strengths now? If you are creative, how can you use that creativity to find a way to feel good or get the support you need even though you don’t feel like it. If you are a good friend, how can you be that friend to yourself, if you have a good sense of humour, is there a way that you can give voice to that light-hearted part of yourself even for a short time. From my own experience, even in the most serious and difficult of situations there is room for the healing energy of heart-felt laughter.  

15      What meaning have you given to what has happened?

Viktor Frankl, Psychotherapist and Auschwitz survivor noted that even though people can experience the same events, their ability to deal with and overcome adversity can vary enormously depending on the meaning they give the situation. He contended that while you cannot control WHAT happens to you, you can control how you EXPERIENCE it. Consider the difference between someone who can say “I am grateful for the life I have had with …” instead of  “ without …my life has no meaning ”

16.     What are your needs?

Tony Robbins talks about 6 basic human needs; CERTAINTY, VARIETY, LOVE/CONNECTION, SIGNIFICANCE,  CONTRIBUTION and GROWTH. Consider which of the above are really important to you, and how you meet this need, especially when you feel stretched or overwhelmed. Each need can be met in ways that are more, or less, healthy and helpful. A need for significance, for example, may be met by “doing good work” or contributing to the community in some way, or it may be met by being dominating.  A significant loss may highlight and challenge the need for certainty and/or the need for love and connection. Be aware of what your unmet needs may be in a particular situation and consider how best to acknowledge and meet this need in a way that contributes to rather than diminishes your wellbeing.

17      What are your fears?

Losses can trigger or exacerbate deeply held fears, for example failure, rejection, being alone, being worthless, being unloved/unlovable, being powerless, being destitute or being insignificant.

Few of these fears are ever realised and most people, even those who are severely traumatised or suffer significant loss not only survive but thrive. Know what your fears are. Recognise that when we have a strong emotional reaction to something, behind it will usually lurk a fear. The key is to recognise that fears are a normal, understandable part of the human condition, and if we approach them and ourselves with kindness and compassion, they are less likely to get in the way.

18      Practice “possibility thinking”  

Bill O’Hanlon, prolific writer and psychotherapist talks about the importance of acknowledging how you honestly feel now while still allowing for the possibility that things will be different in the future. “I am depressed at the moment”,

“For now, I am feeling really overwhelmed”. This way of accepting reality, but not seeing anything as “set in concrete”, gives our body, mind and spirit permission to consider other possibilities in the future.

19      Allow for different (seemingly incompatible) states to co-exist.

Bill also suggests that we don’t force ourselves to choose between two different states but allow that both can be true. For example, “I am fragile and I am resilient”, I am angry with her and I love her”, I feel afraid and I am courageous”.

Especially during difficult times, a range of emotions and feelings can surface. If we try to disown parts of ourselves (those parts we don’t like or are ashamed of) we set up an internal conflict that is stressful and counter productive. On the other hand, if we embrace whatever we are feeling and then focus on being in a state which is compatible with our values, we free ourselves from added stress.

20      Use your words

When my niece Ella gets frustrated, anxious or afraid she sometimes resorts to crying, getting agitated or running away. Her Mum will calmly say to her “I know you are upset, I want to be able to help you, please use your words, tell me what you want”.  The people who care for us, can’t read our mind. Use your words and tell them what you need and want, even if you don’t really know. The more you can be present to what you are feeling and express that, the more likely it is that you will get what you need and want. If you want company, don’t wait for people to show up. Reach out and ask for it. If you want to be on your own, say so. If you are not sure what you want, say that too. Most people want to be helpful, but not everybody can intuitively get it right.

 

21      Above all, be gentle with yourself

Just as our body starts to heal naturally when we cut ourselves, so our spirit will intuitively begin to heal when it is hurt. It may not be noticeable at first but one day you will feel it, in the hug of someone who loves you, or hear it in the kind words of a friend, or see it in the smile or warm gesture of a stranger. The night may seem never-ending, but eventually the morning will come.   

*Scientists say we have 3 brains. The first (brain stem) controls our very existence and our breathing etc The second and incidentally the smallest brain  (pre frontal cortex) is where we do our complex thinking and problem solving and the largest central brain (limbic system) is our “emotional” brain and the part where all our memories and experiences are recorded. There’s a small almond shaped organ called the amygdala (located about 1 inch into your head from your ears) which is a kind of fire alarm for our system. It is really important as it alerts us to any danger. (It is the part that tells us to step back in a hurry when we step off the sidewalk because a truck is bearing down on us! So it is very important for our survival) In many of us, however, sometimes as a result of trauma or other increased sensitivity, the amygdala goes off even when there is no real danger. When it goes off, it sets off a series of biochemical and physical reactions in our body (increased heart rate, blood flow to muscles, shut down digestion etc) in readiness to FIGHT, RUN AWAY FROM, FREEZE or FEIGN DEATH in the presence of the danger. The good news is that we can “retrain” our amygdala. When it goes off, we can notice it “ah it’s my amygdala again” and then check it there is any danger….if there isn’t but we still feel some discomfort we can switch our amygdala down. The STOP strategy can help, as can meditation, doing exercise, repeating affirmations, listening to music, visualisation ...in fact, anything that gets us “out of our mind” and into our senses and absorbs our attention. This switch from thinking to sensing can switch on the body’s natural relaxation response discovered by Dr Herbert Benson in 1967.

Ok enough science

I’m off for walk along the beach…

And maybe an ice cream

A presto

Mon x