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| I love chocolate...but am in no way vulnerable to purchasing these Easter eggs! |
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| even close friends argue sometimes! |
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| I climbed up most of this "mountain"(I was told a hill is a mountain if over 700 m) to a waterfall, but there was no danger of altitude sickness, as only 1500m |
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| lots of flora and local fauna to admire-baby goats, sheep, pigs, rabbits |
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| Salvatore and his rider ...happy in spite of the hard life and isolation |
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| lots of abandoned dwellings dot the landscape |
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| spring poppies |
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| above photos of a once grand city in the Nebrodi hills hide a dark secret. In one 3 year period 100 residents were killed due to mafia infighting |
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| square is full of men hanging about waiting for shops to open post siesta |
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| who is this stranger taking my photo? |
One of my favourite websites is www.ted.com
If you don’t know it, and want to be inspired take a look
Unlike normal conferences where people from the same field get together, TED invites the greatest thinkers of our time, across all fields (mathematics, art, design, philosophy, hard and soft sciences, business, entertainment etc) to present an idea in about18 minutes to an audience of other great thinkers. TED then makes all these talks available on their website as IDEAS WORTH SPREADING.
Dr Brene Brown is a qualitative researcher and storyteller (with a background in social work). A friend sent me the following link (Thanks Jacinta!) In this talk Dr Brown discusses a piece of research about vulnerability which she says has changed her perspective and the way she lives, works, parents and loves.
I have summarised some of the information below.
It was serendipitous that I received this link now as I was just reflecting on and writing about vulnerability.
She started by studying connection. (As social animals we are hard-wired to connect with others). She then studied shame (the fear of disconnection) and after 6 years and 1000’s of interviews and bits of data she found that
-In order for connection to happen, we need to allow ourselves to be seen and felt…in other words we need to be vulnerable, but most of us find this very difficult and uncomfortable.
-What keeps us from being connected is our fear that we are not worthy of it
Conversely the people who have a sense of worthiness (strong sense of love and belonging) simply believe that they ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING
She then studied all the people who she called “whole-hearted” who had this sense of worthiness to see what they had in common.
She found that they all had;
Courage (from the Latin cour meaning heart) –to be imperfect and to tell the story of who they were with their whole heart
Compassion-towards themselves and others
Connection-they let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were
And they FULLY EMBRACED VULNERABILITY. That is;
- they were willing to invest in relationships even though they might not work,
-they were willing to do something even if there was no guarantee
-they were willing to say I love you first
-they were willing to breathe through a difficult time- like waiting for the doctor to give them test results
For this group, vulnerability was neither comfortable nor excruciating, just a necessary part of life.
Contrary to her beliefs and the general researcher belief that the way to live is to “control and predict” what her research was actually showing was that
…the way to live is with vulnerability-!!!
The vast majority of us struggle with vulnerability and equate it with weakness.
So we numb it;
We overeat, drink too much, medicate ourselves, overwork, take drugs, overexercise or find some other way to feel invulnerable.
We become controlling
We blame (in the research blame is defined as “a way to discharge pain or discomfort”
We perfect -we take fat from our butts and put in our cheeks
-we perfect our children- we tell them “you are perfect” when we should be telling them “you are imperfect and you are wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging”
We stay so busy that the truth of our life can’t catch up
Our busyness, distracts us from the uncomfortable things that might bubble up if we sit still.
She found that;
While it is true that vulnerability is at the core of fear, anxiety and shame, it is also the birthplace of joy, love, belonging,
and creativity.
You cannot selectively numb the dark emotions like vulnerability, shame, disappointment and fear, without also numbing joy, gratitude and love!
How many of us feel
-there is never enough_____(add your own words-time, energy, etc)
-we cannot be certain enough_______
-we are not good enough _______(“I am not a good enough mum”, “I don’t manage my time well enough” “ I can’t control my stress” “I can’t balance my life” “I am not smart, intelligent, rich, dedicated, motivated, slim, capable or otherwise not good enough in some way…
-we are not “extraordinary” enough (In this world an ordinary life = a meaningless one)
So in our quest for extraordinary we miss the ordinary
But it is in the “ordinary” where we find most joy….
We do live in a vulnerable world, that’s true, but living in scarcity mode, waiting for something bad to happen won’t help us.
We are better off allowing ourselves to experience joy and love now, so that if “bad things “ do happen, at least we won’t have missed out!
Dr Brown suggests that we;
-Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable
-Love with our whole heart even though there is no guarantee
-Compete with all the negative images in the media-think of people we love, things that make us feel good and nature.
-Practice gratitude and joy even in moments of terror. Remind ourselves that “to feel this vulnerable means I am alive”
Dr Brown spoke to many survivors of genocide and trauma and asked them what they needed. “We don’t need pity or
sympathy, I just need to know that you are grateful for your children”
When we work from a place of “We are enough”, we stop screaming and start listening. We are kinder to the people around us and to ourselves.
A presto
Mon x
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